In Search of a Best Friend

Ever since I was young, I have always been in search for a best friend. I remember looking out my bedroom window and watching the neighbor kids playing. Wishing I was outside with them. Instead, I stayed indoors. Playing on the computer. Playing Barbies. But mostly, I read. I would live wonderful and fun lives through my imagination while reading books.

Anyone knows that books can not replace the need for a best friend. Or even a good friend. Since that was my only choice, I had to make the best of it.  I say books were my only choice because my father had very strict rules about playing with the neighbor kids. We did not really live in a safe neighborhood. Actually, my neighbor was a known gang member. So my dad would not allow us to play outside. Always trying to protect us from the craziness of the world around us. I am truly thankful for his strict rules. Who knows where I would be if I had bad influences growing up.

But because of his rule, I also lost out in a lot of social connections. I have always been shy. Being shy AND being social awkward is not a good combination.

Elementary school was really hard. First day of school, I somehow showed up with two different pairs of shoes. Everything was down hill from there. Never even had a good friend.

Middle school was with a new school district. So new beginnings. New students. A new chance to make friends. But my shyness only got worse. I kept my head in the books and got good grades. At recess, I spent my time reading and looking at all the different “groups” that somehow everyone fit into but me. I don’t remember what grade but there was a time when I thought I found two good friends. I hung out with them day after day. But now that I think about it, I would not even consider it “hanging” out. I just stood next to them as they chatted in Spanish (I did not speak Spanish) and once in awhile they would talk to me. For me, this was a step up from nothing.  One day, I overheard them talking. They did not see me. But they sure were talking bad about me. Wake up call for me that no one was my friend. I went back into my little shell. By the end of middle school, I still had no good friends. People knew me now. Some let me stand next to them. But it was just so hard to talk to people and I was afraid that these new people are also talking bad about me behind my back.

Finally high school begins. My older brother helped paved the way for me into joining the JROTC program. He was a really great cadet and the instructors expected the same from me. This program helped me so much. I met really great people. I was able to talk a lot more. I actually made good friends. By the time I graduated, I had really close friends. I am so thankful that they were there to help make high school funner.

But what is sad, is that I still did not have a best friend. I know it is mostly my fault. I did not open up to anyone. And no one opened up to me. There was a lot going to in my home and I just never talked about the drama at school. I never hung out with anyone outside of school grounds. I went to school. Had fun. And went straight home. No time to make a bestie.

Finally, my future husband arrived in my life. And somehow he kept knocking down all the huge walls I kept up. He was able to open my heart and my mind. I truly know he is my best friend. Always will be. My one true love.

He is an amazing best friend. But he can not be a female best friend. And still after all these years, I have not found a best female friend.

I think my past experiences have always separated me from people my age. No one understood me. No one my age had to grow up with a father with Alzheimer’s. No one my age had a father that died. No one my age had to deal with “renters” in our house just so my mom can make ends meet. No one my age had to deal with ectopic pregnancies. No one my age had to deal with losing their Fallopian tubes and the dream of ever becoming pregnant. No one my age had to deal with failed IVFs.

All these experiences are very hard to talk about with people who just will never understand. So I kept them to myself. Never opened up to anyone (besides my husband now).

I wish I could still find a bestie. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Is it too late?


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