I have always wanted a huge family. My own huge family. A huge family that laughs together, loves each other and will take care of each other.
I am pretty sure this dream was born when I was little and only had two older brothers to play with. And my dream got bigger when my brothers grew older and started living their own lives. They moved out of state and more distant. Once my father passed away, my mother and I were the only ones left. I imagined many times that I had a big family and we would have big family gatherings loaded with tons of great fun and great memories.
Since I didn’t grow up into a big family, I knew I had to make my own dream come true. Never in my worst nightmares did I foresee how hard it will be.
People laughed when I told them that I wanted 10 children. They thought I was insane and that I would change my mind after the first child. But even after 2 years of my daughter in my life, I still want 10 kids. Although, now, I know that will probably never happen. I am slowly and sadly realizing my dream is impossible. Too many dead ends, too many road blocks, and too many mountains to climb.
I know that I will have a couple more kids (I wish naturally but know that is also impossible…) so at least my daughter will grow up with siblings. But that will not happen for a long while yet.
God has a plan. Not my plan. His plan. His timing. I still dont understand it. But I need to trust Him.
Definitely easier said than done.
I remembered today that when I imagined/dreamed of my huge family, I don’t ever remember seeing myself pregnant. I always had kids all around me. But not once was I carrying a child. I wonder if that was a warning of what my future held or just something that meant nothing…
Until next time,