Mother’s Day is almost here. Just a few days away. I have a love/hate relationship with this day.
It is a reminder of my infertility struggles and my slow dying dream to have a healthy pregnancy.
But it is now also a day to celebrate my motherhood from adopting the most amazing little girl.
My dream of carrying a baby full term and child birth is almost completely gone. I am surprised at myself that I am really OK with it. Who knew that I would make peace with this horrible and unfair struggle? I am pretty sure my Baby KM helped me so much with this. But I still have a dream that my husband will have at least one biological son. Even if his baby is not carried by me, I truly wish he can have a biological baby boy. He says he is OK without having a bio son. So it is really me that needs this to happen for him. My husband is the oldest in his family. And his sperm in excellent. It is not his fault that I am dealing with this struggle. And even through everything, he stands by my side. He could have left me and had a ton of kids with another woman. But instead, he stays with me. Committed and supportive. It is not fair to him. He deserves a miracle biological son. 😦 I really wish we had the money for a surrogate….
Back to Mother’s Day…
Sometimes I feel like I am a not a “real” mother. Just because I did not give birth to my daughter. I did not go through the amazing 9 months of pregnancy. I did not go through the hard labor. I did not see my little one at the hospital. I missed so much in the first 3 months of her life. And that sometimes makes me feel like an “incomplete” mother.
I know I shouldn’t but I do think about what other mothers think. Do they see me as a real mom? Do they respect me as one of them? Especially on Mother’s Day, I see how many women are told “Happy Mother’s Day”. And they deserve it. But I am forgotten with a lot of people. Do they not see me as a mother? Am I not equal to them?
I have had KM since the end of May 2011. But this will be my first Mother’s Day officially as KM’s mother (adoption was finalized in June 2013). I love being her mother. I love her so much. She is my living angel. So I think I will use Mother’s Day as a day not for me, but a day to celebrate her being my daughter. I will try not to let negative feelings and thoughts ruin this special day.
Happy Mother’s Day to all. To mothers with children. To mothers of baby angels. To mothers with dreams of their future children. To mothers of pets. Happy Mother’s Day.
until next time,