Goodbye February. Hello March. Please be good to us.
My daughter has been asking for a sibling for a long time now… Specifically, a brother, a sister and a baby.
She has no idea just how much my heart cries a little every time she questions us about how much longer. Or when she is playing and then all of a sudden, makes comments referring to what will happen when she gets to play with her brother, sister and baby. I know she is ready for our family to grow. I am ready too.
We talk to her about the process and how long it will take. But she does not understand the timeline. Which makes it harder for her eager mind.
I wish so much that this process would be easier. I wish I could just get pregnant and have my 10 kids that I always wanted. I wish that I could make K a big sister just like she truly wants. But, God has other plans. And another timeline.
I know I will never fully understand His plans and I do not know what the future holds, but I do hope to see my house full of little children running around one day. One day soon.
We are still going through the Foster/Adopt paperwork. It is a lot of questions about life, family, health, and childhood. It really makes you think about the quality of life when you were growing up. Almost like getting a free therapy session. Hahaha. Just kidding.
One thing that I have loved about all the paperwork was bonding more with my husband. Sharing memories, life trials, future dreams. Planning ahead. I have always loved talking to him over all 15 years of knowing each other. Having him by my side will forever keep me strong.
Mother’s Day is almost here. Just a few days away. I have a love/hate relationship with this day.
It is a reminder of my infertility struggles and my slow dying dream to have a healthy pregnancy.
But it is now also a day to celebrate my motherhood from adopting the most amazing little girl.
My dream of carrying a baby full term and child birth is almost completely gone. I am surprised at myself that I am really OK with it. Who knew that I would make peace with this horrible and unfair struggle? I am pretty sure my Baby KM helped me so much with this. But I still have a dream that my husband will have at least one biological son. Even if his baby is not carried by me, I truly wish he can have a biological baby boy. He says he is OK without having a bio son. So it is really me that needs this to happen for him. My husband is the oldest in his family. And his sperm in excellent. It is not his fault that I am dealing with this struggle. And even through everything, he stands by my side. He could have left me and had a ton of kids with another woman. But instead, he stays with me. Committed and supportive. It is not fair to him. He deserves a miracle biological son. 😦 I really wish we had the money for a surrogate….
Back to Mother’s Day…
Sometimes I feel like I am a not a “real” mother. Just because I did not give birth to my daughter. I did not go through the amazing 9 months of pregnancy. I did not go through the hard labor. I did not see my little one at the hospital. I missed so much in the first 3 months of her life. And that sometimes makes me feel like an “incomplete” mother.
I know I shouldn’t but I do think about what other mothers think. Do they see me as a real mom? Do they respect me as one of them? Especially on Mother’s Day, I see how many women are told “Happy Mother’s Day”. And they deserve it. But I am forgotten with a lot of people. Do they not see me as a mother? Am I not equal to them?
I have had KM since the end of May 2011. But this will be my first Mother’s Day officially as KM’s mother (adoption was finalized in June 2013). I love being her mother. I love her so much. She is my living angel. So I think I will use Mother’s Day as a day not for me, but a day to celebrate her being my daughter. I will try not to let negative feelings and thoughts ruin this special day.
Happy Mother’s Day to all. To mothers with children. To mothers of baby angels. To mothers with dreams of their future children. To mothers of pets. Happy Mother’s Day.
Once in awhile, my mind starts daydreaming about being pregnant. I get so irritated with myself and stop the dream as soon as it starts. Why do these visions of being pregnant still pop up in my mind? As of right now, there is just no way I can get pregnant. So why hold on to that dream?
Why is my body torturing me?
I try to think of all the reasons why God does not want me to pass down my genes. Just to try to comfort me and prove that this is how life is suppose to be.
I have many health issues. I’m not smart. My family medical history is insane. If I was to get pregnant and pass down my genes, my baby would grow up with just so much drama to deal with. It would be my fault he/she will be living with pain.
So my mind can think logically about this infertility nonsense. How to help my heart understand…
This month has been hard. Extremely draining. Can not wait to say “goodbye” to March. Always hated this month..
I always dreamed of my infertility drama coming to a positive end. I never thought I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.
As the years go by, my hope slowly dwindles away. My dreams are no longer there. As if my unconscious mind knows the reality.
I will never understand why I was chosen to have infertility. But I guess I am just not suppose to know.
There is a plan for me. Getting pregnant and giving birth is not part of it. I feel like I must throw in my white flag and give up. I have to move on from my “want” and live with the plan that I “need” and the plan that God needs me to have.
I always ask myself if God truly wants me to try so hard. Does He really want me to suffer and cry while enduring treatments, negative pregnancy tests and early miscarriages… I just dont know.
For those of you who have moved on, when did you know it was time?
I have not posted in awhile. Many reasons have prevented me from writing down my thoughts and emotions. I am not ready to tell the world most of these reasons for it involves personal battles within me. Battles that I am still fighting today. Only God knows what these battles will bring and how long they will last. I like to pretend these battles are not happening. Living life as though nothing is wrong. I wrap myself in my own little bubble and close my eyes to everything that needs to be changed. Maybe, just maybe, if I close my eyes hard enough and wish with all my might then all my problems will just vanish away…
Today is October 15. National day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Like I do every year, I post the picture on Facebook to remind everyone and to honor my angel babies. Later on, I will pull out the memory box and light a candle. Today is not an emotional day like it use to be years ago. I still feel sad and always think of “what if”. But I just hug my daughter tight and thank God she is here.
I feel peace now when I think of my angel babies. I like to think that they love seeing us happy and they know how special our daughter is. So, they will always be her guardian angels.
I have so much to write about. But it can wait for the next post. Today, let us remember our lost babies and honor them in some way.
Google “October 15th, pregnancy loss”. Tons of information and ideas will come up.
To my angel babies: I will love you forever. I will forget you never. Apart of my heart from the very start. Apart of me for eternity. Thank you for watching over us. XOXO
I have always wanted a huge family. My own huge family. A huge family that laughs together, loves each other and will take care of each other.
I am pretty sure this dream was born when I was little and only had two older brothers to play with. And my dream got bigger when my brothers grew older and started living their own lives. They moved out of state and more distant. Once my father passed away, my mother and I were the only ones left. I imagined many times that I had a big family and we would have big family gatherings loaded with tons of great fun and great memories.
Since I didn’t grow up into a big family, I knew I had to make my own dream come true. Never in my worst nightmares did I foresee how hard it will be.
People laughed when I told them that I wanted 10 children. They thought I was insane and that I would change my mind after the first child. But even after 2 years of my daughter in my life, I still want 10 kids. Although, now, I know that will probably never happen. I am slowly and sadly realizing my dream is impossible. Too many dead ends, too many road blocks, and too many mountains to climb.
I know that I will have a couple more kids (I wish naturally but know that is also impossible…) so at least my daughter will grow up with siblings. But that will not happen for a long while yet.
God has a plan. Not my plan. His plan. His timing. I still dont understand it. But I need to trust Him.
Definitely easier said than done.
I remembered today that when I imagined/dreamed of my huge family, I don’t ever remember seeing myself pregnant. I always had kids all around me. But not once was I carrying a child. I wonder if that was a warning of what my future held or just something that meant nothing…