First Friday Night of March

Happy Friday everyone. 
My Friday ended with a stomach full of cake and ice cream.   “What is the celebration?” , you might ask…   Well, we all survived this crazy week.  🙂  🙂 
I guess this week was not crazier than any other week but it was sure good to eat our delicious cake made by my daughter and I. Plus yummy homemade banana ice cream made by my husband.  I always prefer banana ice cream over store brought ice cream. It is simple to make and delicious.  You definitely need to try it if you haven’t already.

So this week, my husband and I actually finished all the applications for the foster/adopt program.  I know this is only the beginning. But I am happy that we are taking steps forward. 
On to the child development classes, CPR, and physical exams/tests….
I understand why we need to take these steps in our journey. It might be time consuming but it is great that the county is trying to weed out the people who just don’t get what being a parent is. It is great for everyone to be up-to-date on raising and protecting a child.
But I honestly think these classes (child development and CPR) should be a requirement for anyone who might be getting pregnant or for parents before they take their baby home.  Just think about how many things could have been prevented if people only knew…

As I was hanging up my daughter’s clothes today, I was scanning her closet and realized that she might be sharing her closet with another child soon. And I wondered how she would feel about sharing her closet which is full of clothes and toys. So I asked. (We are very open about this while process with her.)  She replied to me that she wants to share her whole room and she wants a sister to sleep in the room too. 
I have been really amazed by how much she is ready for this road ahead of us.  She is so eager to open her heart and her life to share with other children. I know this is God’s doing. He has a purpose for my daughter. He has given her so much strength and understanding even though she is still so young. 

Much love to the world,
Angelica

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March is Here

Goodbye February. Hello March. Please be good to us.

My daughter has been asking for a sibling for a long time now… Specifically, a brother, a sister and a baby.

She has no idea just how much my heart cries a little every time she questions us about how much longer. Or when she is playing and then all of a  sudden, makes comments referring to what will happen when she gets to play with her brother, sister and baby.  I know she is ready for our family to grow. I am ready too.
We talk to her about the process and how long it will take.  But she does not understand the timeline. Which makes it harder for her eager mind. 
I wish so much that this process would be easier. I wish I could just get pregnant and have my 10 kids that I always wanted.  I wish that I could make K a big sister just like she truly wants.   But, God has other plans. And another timeline.
I know I will never fully understand His plans and I do not know what the future holds, but I do hope to see my house full of little children running around one day. One day soon.
We are still going through the Foster/Adopt paperwork. It is a lot of questions about life, family, health, and childhood.  It really makes you think about the quality of life when you were growing up.  Almost like getting a free therapy session. Hahaha. Just kidding. 
One thing that I have loved about all the paperwork was bonding more with my husband. Sharing memories, life trials, future dreams. Planning ahead.  I have always loved talking to him over all 15 years of knowing each other. Having him by my side will forever keep me strong. 

Much love to the world,
Angelica

Best of Me Movie Review and Life

Be prepared… There are semi spoilers ahead…. 

I ran into this movie today while scanning  Netflix. And I was curious to see it since it is based on a book from Nicholas Sparks. I do own a couple of his books and enjoy reading them. But I have never read this particular one.  I wish I had though. I would have never watched the movie.

Not because it is an awful movie; but because it has a heart breaking sad ending. And I hate endings that are not “Happily Ever After…”.  I was not prepared for this sad ending. My heart is still trying to cope with it.

The movie itself is wonderful. Great plot even though I can not personally see myself as the main female character. I can relate to her with how much one person can love another. But I can not relate to how she could marry someone she truly did not love and suffer all these years with someone she grew to hate.

The beginning was so touching to see how this man saved this teenager instead of calling the cops on him. You hardly see these situations nowadays.  People just do not trust runaway teenagers.  But this man had a huge heart. And because of his heart, Dawson was able to live out his purpose in life.

It just makes you think just how much just one person can influence the rest of your life.

Where you ever in a situation where you thought you had no where else to go? At the last breath you might be taking? A time when your dreams were completely crushed? 

What happened? Did someone save you just as this man saved Dawson? Or maybe it was just a chance encounter with a stranger?

There is a purpose to our lives. There is an end of our path that is already mapped out. It is scary to think that we truly have no control since we are all destined for something. All we can do is live the best as we can with the life that we are given.

I do hope, though, that my life will have  something very meaningful to come out of it.

The movie touches on a lot of major life topics that are great discussion subjects.  Love, first date, lost loves, horrible parents, child abuse, rich vs poor, education, cancer, child loss, loving a child that is not blood related, beautiful set locations, gardening, etc. The list goes on and on.  And I could write a book if I wrote about each one.

Overall this is a great movie with good beautiful actors. The actors were able to make us visualize just how pure their love was. And the love between a true “parent” and child was spot on. 

Great movie. But would I watch this again? Sadly, no. Just because there is already too much pain in real life that I go to movies to escape it. And this movie did not help me escape from pain. Only added more sadness.

Much love to the world,
Angelica

Winter Left Early in California

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Winter left a few weeks ago even though our calendar states Spring will not come for almost another month.  Another great example of how humans are not in control. No matter how hard people try to control the world, there will always be a higher power moving things along.
Hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful  weather that nature has gifted us.

Much love to the world,
Angelica

Baptism

My daughter’s baptism is coming up soon. We have been busy planning and preparing for her reception. This is so new to me since I never had a baptism reception. So I relied on my trusted Google to supply me with information. Which did not help because there is just so many opinions and differences. But it did give me a lot of ideas and the “just” of what to do.
Yes, I could host a small reception with just close family to celebrate. I could be satisfied with ordering deli sandwiches and chips. But I truly want to celebrate. She is my first daughter. And may even be my only child. I want to go all out and celebrate her baptism.
It is very hard to explain this to people. They just don’t understand how when you finally receive your miracle of becoming a parent, that you just want to give your child the world. Nothing is too small. Nothing is too big. If she wants it. If she needs it. If she deserves it. We will try every way possible to give it to her.
So she will be having a nice baptism party. Not over the top. But cute, personalized, yummy food, and wonderful guests.
We decided to baptize her this month because it is a special month to us. This month, last year, was when our daughter finally legally became ours. I can not believe it has been over a year now since that amazing day. Every night, I still thank God for sending me my amazing girl.
I have a lot going on inside my head. Too much thinking. Figuring out life. Life is stressful. But I concentrate a lot on her baptism just to keep me sane. I am trying to let go and let God. But it is just way harder than I imagined.

Until next time,
Angelica

Mother’s Day, Am I not a “True” Mom?

Mother’s Day is almost here. Just a few days away.  I have a love/hate relationship with this day. 

It is a reminder of my infertility struggles and my slow dying dream to have a healthy pregnancy.

But it is now also a day to celebrate my motherhood from adopting the most amazing little girl. 

My dream of carrying a baby full term and child birth is almost completely gone. I am surprised at myself that I am really OK with it. Who knew that I would make peace with this horrible and unfair struggle? I am pretty sure my Baby KM helped me so much with this. But I still have a dream that my husband will have at least one biological son. Even if his baby is not carried by me, I truly wish he can have a biological baby boy. He says he is OK without having a bio son. So it is really me that needs this to happen for him.  My husband is the oldest in his family. And his sperm in excellent. It is not his fault that I am dealing with this struggle. And even through everything, he stands by my side. He could have left me and had a ton of kids with another woman. But instead, he stays with me. Committed and supportive. It is not fair to him. He deserves a miracle biological son. 😦  I really wish we had the money for a surrogate….

 

Back to Mother’s Day…

Sometimes I feel like I am a not a “real” mother. Just because I did not give birth to my daughter. I did not go through the amazing 9 months of pregnancy. I did not go through the hard labor. I did not see my little one at the hospital. I missed so much in the first 3 months of her life. And that sometimes makes me feel like an “incomplete” mother. 

I know I shouldn’t but I do think about what other mothers think. Do they see me as a real mom? Do they respect me as one of them? Especially on Mother’s Day, I see how many women are told “Happy Mother’s Day”. And they deserve it. But I am forgotten with a lot of people. Do they not see me as a mother? Am I not equal to them? 

I have had KM since the end of May 2011. But this will be my first Mother’s Day officially as KM’s mother (adoption was finalized in June 2013). I love being her mother. I love her so much. She is my living angel.  So I think I will use Mother’s Day as a day not for me, but a day to celebrate her being my daughter. I will try not to let negative feelings and thoughts ruin this special day. 

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Happy Mother’s Day to all. To mothers with children. To mothers of baby angels. To mothers with dreams of their future children. To mothers of pets. Happy Mother’s Day.

 

until next time,

Angelica