Foster/Adopt Process Update

Many months have passed and my family have been able to accomplish so many things. My husband and I completed the parenting classes that was offered through the county. And we completed all the live scans, doctor visits, initial paper work, and exit interview. We just had our home inspected by the state.  Now, we wait for our adoption worker and the home study to begin.   Even though we have made it through so many steps through out this process, we still have a long way to go.  But, I am getting more excited for this new path we are now on. Our house is ready for another little one. The bed is set up in the room waiting. Our daughter is so eager to share her toys. Our hearts are open and ready to love.

I walk pass the room every night and see the crib set up. My heart beats faster. My thoughts begin to race.  What does God have in store for us?  Will a baby enter our lives? Or a little 4 year old girl? We brought a convertible crib just in case. We try to be ready for whatever God has planned but it would definitely be a lot easier if He at least gave us hints along the way.  🙂

Much love to the world,

Angelica

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View of the ocean in San Diego

 

 

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First Friday Night of March

Happy Friday everyone. 
My Friday ended with a stomach full of cake and ice cream.   “What is the celebration?” , you might ask…   Well, we all survived this crazy week.  🙂  🙂 
I guess this week was not crazier than any other week but it was sure good to eat our delicious cake made by my daughter and I. Plus yummy homemade banana ice cream made by my husband.  I always prefer banana ice cream over store brought ice cream. It is simple to make and delicious.  You definitely need to try it if you haven’t already.

So this week, my husband and I actually finished all the applications for the foster/adopt program.  I know this is only the beginning. But I am happy that we are taking steps forward. 
On to the child development classes, CPR, and physical exams/tests….
I understand why we need to take these steps in our journey. It might be time consuming but it is great that the county is trying to weed out the people who just don’t get what being a parent is. It is great for everyone to be up-to-date on raising and protecting a child.
But I honestly think these classes (child development and CPR) should be a requirement for anyone who might be getting pregnant or for parents before they take their baby home.  Just think about how many things could have been prevented if people only knew…

As I was hanging up my daughter’s clothes today, I was scanning her closet and realized that she might be sharing her closet with another child soon. And I wondered how she would feel about sharing her closet which is full of clothes and toys. So I asked. (We are very open about this while process with her.)  She replied to me that she wants to share her whole room and she wants a sister to sleep in the room too. 
I have been really amazed by how much she is ready for this road ahead of us.  She is so eager to open her heart and her life to share with other children. I know this is God’s doing. He has a purpose for my daughter. He has given her so much strength and understanding even though she is still so young. 

Much love to the world,
Angelica

March is Here

Goodbye February. Hello March. Please be good to us.

My daughter has been asking for a sibling for a long time now… Specifically, a brother, a sister and a baby.

She has no idea just how much my heart cries a little every time she questions us about how much longer. Or when she is playing and then all of a  sudden, makes comments referring to what will happen when she gets to play with her brother, sister and baby.  I know she is ready for our family to grow. I am ready too.
We talk to her about the process and how long it will take.  But she does not understand the timeline. Which makes it harder for her eager mind. 
I wish so much that this process would be easier. I wish I could just get pregnant and have my 10 kids that I always wanted.  I wish that I could make K a big sister just like she truly wants.   But, God has other plans. And another timeline.
I know I will never fully understand His plans and I do not know what the future holds, but I do hope to see my house full of little children running around one day. One day soon.
We are still going through the Foster/Adopt paperwork. It is a lot of questions about life, family, health, and childhood.  It really makes you think about the quality of life when you were growing up.  Almost like getting a free therapy session. Hahaha. Just kidding. 
One thing that I have loved about all the paperwork was bonding more with my husband. Sharing memories, life trials, future dreams. Planning ahead.  I have always loved talking to him over all 15 years of knowing each other. Having him by my side will forever keep me strong. 

Much love to the world,
Angelica

Starting the Process Again

It has been awhile since I posted about our steps in becoming a family. I know you all understand how life just seems to never slow down.
Well, we started the process again for the foster to adopt program in our county.  First step was orientation. Next is all the paperwork. We are just in the very beginning of this new road to expand our family. I am, of course, nervous. But my heart is calm knowing that we are moving in the right direction.
Our daughter, who is now 5, is also ready for this journey. Over the last year, she has been asking for a brother, sister and a baby. My husband and I sat down with her to make sure she understood the process that we must go through. The lengthy process. She is really excited and wishes that this process was not so long. 
I am amazed to see how open she is to sharing her room. Her toys. She has so much compassion. And constantly shows how much she loves to help with babies. I can tell that she is strong mentally for this new road in our lives.
Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers to support all of us in this new journey. 
I hope everyone is doing great wherever  they are on their own personal journey.

Much love to the world,
Angelica

Mother’s Day, Am I not a “True” Mom?

Mother’s Day is almost here. Just a few days away.  I have a love/hate relationship with this day. 

It is a reminder of my infertility struggles and my slow dying dream to have a healthy pregnancy.

But it is now also a day to celebrate my motherhood from adopting the most amazing little girl. 

My dream of carrying a baby full term and child birth is almost completely gone. I am surprised at myself that I am really OK with it. Who knew that I would make peace with this horrible and unfair struggle? I am pretty sure my Baby KM helped me so much with this. But I still have a dream that my husband will have at least one biological son. Even if his baby is not carried by me, I truly wish he can have a biological baby boy. He says he is OK without having a bio son. So it is really me that needs this to happen for him.  My husband is the oldest in his family. And his sperm in excellent. It is not his fault that I am dealing with this struggle. And even through everything, he stands by my side. He could have left me and had a ton of kids with another woman. But instead, he stays with me. Committed and supportive. It is not fair to him. He deserves a miracle biological son. 😦  I really wish we had the money for a surrogate….

 

Back to Mother’s Day…

Sometimes I feel like I am a not a “real” mother. Just because I did not give birth to my daughter. I did not go through the amazing 9 months of pregnancy. I did not go through the hard labor. I did not see my little one at the hospital. I missed so much in the first 3 months of her life. And that sometimes makes me feel like an “incomplete” mother. 

I know I shouldn’t but I do think about what other mothers think. Do they see me as a real mom? Do they respect me as one of them? Especially on Mother’s Day, I see how many women are told “Happy Mother’s Day”. And they deserve it. But I am forgotten with a lot of people. Do they not see me as a mother? Am I not equal to them? 

I have had KM since the end of May 2011. But this will be my first Mother’s Day officially as KM’s mother (adoption was finalized in June 2013). I love being her mother. I love her so much. She is my living angel.  So I think I will use Mother’s Day as a day not for me, but a day to celebrate her being my daughter. I will try not to let negative feelings and thoughts ruin this special day. 

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Happy Mother’s Day to all. To mothers with children. To mothers of baby angels. To mothers with dreams of their future children. To mothers of pets. Happy Mother’s Day.

 

until next time,

Angelica

 

My Huge Family

I have always wanted a huge family. My own huge family. A huge family that laughs together, loves each other and will take care of each other.
I am pretty sure this dream was born when I was little and only had two older brothers to play with. And my dream got bigger when my brothers grew older and started living their own lives. They moved out of state and more distant. Once my father passed away, my mother and I were the only ones left. I imagined many times that I had a big family and we would have big family gatherings loaded with tons of great fun and great memories.
Since I didn’t grow up into a big family, I knew I had to make my own dream come true. Never in my worst nightmares did I foresee how hard it will be.
People laughed when I told them that I wanted 10 children. They thought I was insane and that I would change my mind after the first child. But even after 2 years of my daughter in my life, I still want 10 kids. Although, now, I know that will probably never happen. I am slowly and sadly realizing my dream is impossible. Too many dead ends, too many road blocks, and too many mountains to climb.
I know that I will have a couple more kids (I wish naturally but know that is also impossible…) so at least my daughter will grow up with siblings. But that will not happen for a long while yet.
God has a plan. Not my plan. His plan. His timing. I still dont understand it. But I need to trust Him.
Definitely easier said than done.

I remembered today that when I imagined/dreamed of my huge family, I don’t ever remember seeing myself pregnant. I always had kids all around me. But not once was I carrying a child. I wonder if that was a warning of what my future held or just something that meant nothing…

Until next time,
Angelica