Foster/Adopt Process Update

Many months have passed and my family have been able to accomplish so many things. My husband and I completed the parenting classes that was offered through the county. And we completed all the live scans, doctor visits, initial paper work, and exit interview. We just had our home inspected by the state.  Now, we wait for our adoption worker and the home study to begin.   Even though we have made it through so many steps through out this process, we still have a long way to go.  But, I am getting more excited for this new path we are now on. Our house is ready for another little one. The bed is set up in the room waiting. Our daughter is so eager to share her toys. Our hearts are open and ready to love.

I walk pass the room every night and see the crib set up. My heart beats faster. My thoughts begin to race.  What does God have in store for us?  Will a baby enter our lives? Or a little 4 year old girl? We brought a convertible crib just in case. We try to be ready for whatever God has planned but it would definitely be a lot easier if He at least gave us hints along the way.  🙂

Much love to the world,


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View of the ocean in San Diego




First Friday Night of March

Happy Friday everyone. 
My Friday ended with a stomach full of cake and ice cream.   “What is the celebration?” , you might ask…   Well, we all survived this crazy week.  🙂  🙂 
I guess this week was not crazier than any other week but it was sure good to eat our delicious cake made by my daughter and I. Plus yummy homemade banana ice cream made by my husband.  I always prefer banana ice cream over store brought ice cream. It is simple to make and delicious.  You definitely need to try it if you haven’t already.

So this week, my husband and I actually finished all the applications for the foster/adopt program.  I know this is only the beginning. But I am happy that we are taking steps forward. 
On to the child development classes, CPR, and physical exams/tests….
I understand why we need to take these steps in our journey. It might be time consuming but it is great that the county is trying to weed out the people who just don’t get what being a parent is. It is great for everyone to be up-to-date on raising and protecting a child.
But I honestly think these classes (child development and CPR) should be a requirement for anyone who might be getting pregnant or for parents before they take their baby home.  Just think about how many things could have been prevented if people only knew…

As I was hanging up my daughter’s clothes today, I was scanning her closet and realized that she might be sharing her closet with another child soon. And I wondered how she would feel about sharing her closet which is full of clothes and toys. So I asked. (We are very open about this while process with her.)  She replied to me that she wants to share her whole room and she wants a sister to sleep in the room too. 
I have been really amazed by how much she is ready for this road ahead of us.  She is so eager to open her heart and her life to share with other children. I know this is God’s doing. He has a purpose for my daughter. He has given her so much strength and understanding even though she is still so young. 

Much love to the world,

March is Here

Goodbye February. Hello March. Please be good to us.

My daughter has been asking for a sibling for a long time now… Specifically, a brother, a sister and a baby.

She has no idea just how much my heart cries a little every time she questions us about how much longer. Or when she is playing and then all of a  sudden, makes comments referring to what will happen when she gets to play with her brother, sister and baby.  I know she is ready for our family to grow. I am ready too.
We talk to her about the process and how long it will take.  But she does not understand the timeline. Which makes it harder for her eager mind. 
I wish so much that this process would be easier. I wish I could just get pregnant and have my 10 kids that I always wanted.  I wish that I could make K a big sister just like she truly wants.   But, God has other plans. And another timeline.
I know I will never fully understand His plans and I do not know what the future holds, but I do hope to see my house full of little children running around one day. One day soon.
We are still going through the Foster/Adopt paperwork. It is a lot of questions about life, family, health, and childhood.  It really makes you think about the quality of life when you were growing up.  Almost like getting a free therapy session. Hahaha. Just kidding. 
One thing that I have loved about all the paperwork was bonding more with my husband. Sharing memories, life trials, future dreams. Planning ahead.  I have always loved talking to him over all 15 years of knowing each other. Having him by my side will forever keep me strong. 

Much love to the world,

Unwanted Daydream

Once in awhile, my mind starts daydreaming about being pregnant. I get so irritated with myself and stop the dream as soon as it starts. Why do these visions of being pregnant still pop up in my mind? As of right now, there is just no way I can get pregnant. So why hold on to that dream?

Why is my body torturing me?

I try to think of all the reasons why God does not want me to pass down my genes. Just to try to comfort me and prove that this is how life is suppose to be.
I have many health issues. I’m not smart. My family medical history is insane. If I was to get pregnant and pass down my genes, my baby would grow up with just so much drama to deal with. It would be my fault he/she will be living with pain.
So my mind can think logically about this infertility nonsense. How to help my heart understand…

This month has been hard. Extremely draining. Can not wait to say “goodbye” to March. Always hated this month..

Until next time,

Ash Wednesday and Religion

Ash Wednesday is in a few days. And every year around this time, I look into my faith and notice how far away I am from religion. I always have the “want” to go to church. But I never change that want into action.
I talk to God every day. I pray with my little one every night. I praise Him when life is good. I ask for help when life gets hard. But (it is hard to admit) I go to church about twice a year. 
Why is this? Why is it so hard to turn this “want to go to church often” into a serious regular action?
I look around me. My family. My friends. My social circles. I would say about 5% actually attend church regularly.
And of those 5%, maybe 2% just go to wipe their life slate clean from all the sinful things they did during the week.
I know it must seem like I am surrounded by a lot of evil people. But its actually quite opposite. I know many people who are God loving and religious but they just do not attend church. They are kind and caring. Reads the Bible. Can recite verses. Knows the prayers. Prays every day. They help out their family and friends when they can.
So why is it that people who do not attend church are more religious and God loving than the people who actually do show up in church? Does attending church really define how religious a person can be?
Will God open the gates of heaven to a person who sinned weekly just because that person confessed at church? Will He keep the gates closed to a religious & God fearing person who just did not attend church?
Of course, no one has the answers.  All we can do is live our lives how it feels right to us.

Till next time,

Should I Throw in the White Flag?

I always dreamed of my infertility drama coming to a positive end. I never thought I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.
As the years go by, my hope slowly dwindles away. My dreams are no longer there. As if my unconscious mind knows the reality.
I will never understand why I was chosen to have infertility. But I guess I am just not suppose to know.
There is a plan for me. Getting pregnant and giving birth is not part of it. I feel like I must throw in my white flag and give up. I have to move on from my “want” and live with the plan that I “need” and the plan that God needs me to have.
I always ask myself if God truly wants me to try so hard. Does He really want me to suffer and cry while enduring treatments, negative pregnancy tests and early miscarriages… I just dont know.

For those of you who have moved on, when did you know it was time?

Until next time,